Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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