She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
