My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
