No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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