You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
