I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
