Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
