i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
