dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
