Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize