I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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