I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
a search helicopter?!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
