Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
if i can run in heels then i can drive
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
It was confusing and full of hummus
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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