My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
