there was a trapeze. enough said
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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