The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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