my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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