he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just found puke in my bra..
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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