You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
