Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
