I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
