I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
