FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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