youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize