If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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