My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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