I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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