Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
