I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
