Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
