there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You may now shotgun with the bride
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
