I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Success! We fucked roommates!
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