Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
