Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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