Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
