Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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