ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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