My liver just broke up with me...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
