Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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