I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
