Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
