My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
