I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
