So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
