I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
