I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
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