There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
