Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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