Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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