omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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