Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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