I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
