im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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