I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
