i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
