If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
His nipple licking is glorious
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