he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize