I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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