I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
