we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
