I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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