Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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