Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
