Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
