People in love make me want to vomit
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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