why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think my fart just growled at me.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
